This was definitely not my best year. In fact, I think this was my most depressing year yet.
The majority of my 2013 was spent preoccupied over a physically/mentally abusive and psychotic ex boyfriend who was so scared of losing me that he basically locked me up in a cupboard like Harry Potter and prevented me from pursuing anything that made me happy or seeing anyone who might make me smile other than him. By the time he had me completely under his control, I was so fucked up in the head that I had no idea who I was anymore.
I loved him.
It was my first heart-wrenching, insane, passionate, give-up-everything-for-someone kind of love.
Before he went nuts, he was the “best thing to ever happen to me”, and he made me so happy — I can’t even describe the elation I felt when I was with him.
But our happiness was short lived.
And I should’ve walked the moment he bruised me up.
I should’ve walked for so many other reasons too, but …
I’m sort of just sitting here now staring at this post, eyes brimming with tears thinking, “What was I writing this fucking blog entry about again?”
2013 was really fucking painful for me. There were so many days where, honestly, the pain was so bad that I wanted to kill myself. How does that happen? When I look at myself now and I think about how blessed I am, it baffles me. But then I remember the isolation, how he would threaten me if I ever dared to see my friends, post a picture of myself anywhere, go out for a drink, or even write. I remember how he took away everything from me that ever made me happy, so that when I eventually lost him too, I felt like my entire fucking world had ended.
It sickens me to even talk about this.
It’s pride, mostly. Because I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let something like that happen to me.
And as much as I don’t want to admit it, that relationship defined a lot of my 2013.
But in 2013, I also learned a lot about what really matters.
I learned the value of family and good friends. I learned that when I’m alone or sad, I don’t have to be alone, and that amazing people are only a phone call away. I learned that people will aways try to tell me what to do and how to live my life, but that in the end, the only thing that matters is how I feel. I learned that decisions are temporary, and that I have the freedom to change my mind any time I want to, so I shouldn’t stress about pursuing new experiences — especially because I always have the opportunity to try again. I learned to stop overanalyzing my life, and that I don’t need a reason for everything I do.
I learned that I am not perfect, and that I will always make mistakes. I learned that I am a complex human being, and that although I can be a sweet little angel when I want to be, I can also be a naughty little bitch — and that’s okay. I learned that I am clearly a rebounder who dragged the bullshit from my last relationships into my new ones, and that I suffered from bouts of jealousy and co-dependency because of it. And I learned that I should probably be single for at least a year before I decide to date again, because I’ve never been single for that amount of time before, and I deserve a break from dudes.
I learned I really like dogs. I learned that yoga is fucking awesome and being fit is the best thing ever. I learned to enjoy the little things. I learned that makeup is great, but that I love my own skin so much more. And that I love sunny days and laying out in bikinis with friends drinking wine in the park or at the beach. I learned I love pursuing goals and raising money for charities. I learned that it’s okay to totally geek out over something, be a total freak, or act like a fool, because I will never meet the sort of people who I want to meet if I don’t fully lose myself in the things that I love. And I finally understand what my dad meant when he said, “Boys will be boys”. I learned that when I put my mind to it, I can do fucking anything.
I re-learned that I love art. I love art so, so, so fucking much.
I learned that writing a book is a lot harder than it looks.
I learned that modeling is still a lot of fun.
I learned that I really love to dance.
In 2014, my goals are very simple, and very me.
- No more tears. Not over boys, anyway.
- Pursue art like my life depends on it.
- Keep up my no-dating-for-a-year rule (it ends on September 2, 2014).
- Leave my apartment more. Lol.
- Just do what I want to do. 2014 is my year to be completely selfish.
I’m so grateful for where I am right now. In the past few months, I’ve learned and rediscovered so much about myself and the world around me — I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I love my fucking life so much it hurts. In 2014, I plan to completely work on me, and to be as me as I can. Fearlessly and shamelessly.
Into the future, baby.
Let’s do this.
With bright eyes,