I have this menstruation-calendar tracking app on my phone (I am so sorry in advance to all of my readers who get grossed out by the idea of a woman going through her natural cycles), and there’s this one week out of the month called “Green Week”, which basically means, “This week, you are going to be extremely horny.”
And for the past few days, my phone’s been sending me alerts like, “ALERT: IT’S GREEN WEEK!” I’m talking non-stop popping up on my screen every day to remind me that I’m “in heat”, basically. And it’s like, OH GOD. OH GOD. STOP. WHY ARE YOU–CAN’T YOU JUST–STOP TORTURING ME!
I mean, let’s bust out a calculator.
I’m going to be single for a year, right? That’s the goal*. So basically, that’s 12 months, each with a 7 day long Green Week of salivating over the idea of copulation. Which means there are 84 days out of the year that I am more likely to get it on with someone than not. And since it’s November now, and I started this whole single-for-a-year thing in September, that means …
/Ticks off the numbers.
84 minus 14 is … 70, okay. Minus the last few days, which is like … What? 67?
Hurhur. Look at me doing math. I’m Asian after all.
* Oh right. I forgot to mention I’m not dating for a whole year. I decided this in early September. After a year of not drinking (which was awesome) and a month with no makeup (which I didn’t bother documenting at all other than on my Instagram somewhere), I’ve decided I really like the whole extreme self-discipline thing. And to be honest, not dating has been amazing, and I’m glad I’ve stuck with it for so long, despite the many temptations to not be single.
Okay. So there are 67 days left in this year where everyone pursuing me stands a better chance of actually getting something.
I mean, that’s just terrible.
Why, body?! WHY?! WHY WON’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO?!
Oh, PS. I heard this hilarious joke about periods that grossed out one of my guy friends, and I just have to share it. It goes, “What’s the difference between period blood and sand?” Pause for effect… “You can’t chug sand.”
PPS. This blog post is totally a throw-back to the good old days when I used to just write whatever-the-hell I wanted on my website. I’ve been sort of neglecting heycheri.com for a whole host of reasons that cost way too much effort to explain (though if you really want to know, I do have a comments section). I’m glad to say I’ve got my writer’s hat back on, and will be blogging up a storm in the coming months. I thank NaNoWriMo for that, actually. This amazing month of non-stop noveling has really helped refresh my groove. Thank. Fucking. Goodness.