First and most importantly, you should know that I currently suffer from a broken heart and am not fit to date anybody at this point. What I want and what I’ve been actually experiencing are so intensely opposite — I’m too confused, too vulnerable, and too eager to just “feel better”. Which means, basically, that I can’t trust how flattered I feel right now by your email, and even if I did trust that feeling, it’s just too overwhelming for me right now to bear.
So, in the interest of both our hearts, I must shut you down from the beginning. I think it’s important to immediately know where you stand when walking into a situation (which is exactly what this is: a situation). No one wants to clean up a mess they didn’t sign up for, and lying about it won’t don’t either of us any good.
If you can stand the embarrassment I just inflicted on you — anonymous as I’ve made you, anyway — I implore you to continue reading this very public reply to your well thought out email (and apologize for any criticism you might disagree with).
Anyway, woah — you’re fast! How did you know to Google me? My profile was only up for a day before I took it down. Are pickings really so slim on OkC? Also, did you really read through my entire profile and a few of my blog posts? I’m flattered! And uh, no, I don’t find that creepy at all. I mean, maybe a little, but I’m not as creeped out as I would be if I was like, I dunno, 30 or something. The older generation just doesn’t get this stuff, y’know?
As an explanation for why I give less of a sack, I guess you could consider me one of those wholesome, introverted types (though I can be extroverted when I feel like it and in small doses), and I’ve pretty much grown up online. As bad as my mouth gets on the Internet sometimes, I’m actually pretty mousy in real life. On top of that, I’m used to the Internet being my sole method of communication and expression. And, uhm, I’m, uh, glad, I guess? I’m glad you liked what you read? Oh man, this is embarrassing. I suck at taking compliments. Either that, or your compliments just work so well that I get a little paranoid about why the flattery affects me so deeply (yet another reason I probably shouldn’t be dating right now).
Er, are you mad that I’m using your email as an excuse to write a little bit?
It’s just that I haven’t written anything in so long, and to be encouraged to write again from someone who appreciates it feels really … I don’t know. Nice. Is that lame?
I am talking way too much.
Lemme wrap this up.
I looked you up and although you seem like you’d be my type, my heart just sinks into my stomach when I even think about dating again. It’s hard to describe, but first it’s like, this twinge of excitement, of hope for happiness and new possibility. But then it’s followed by this poisonous mixture of sadness and guilt. In fact, I almost feel like I’ve done something wrong by attracting your attention in the first place. I’m not ready at all and I don’t want you to go on thinking you have a chance with me right now, because you don’t.
But thank you for all of that.
It was nice to feel wanted again.
I just think I should be honest with you and honest with the Internet, actually, because I know so many of you from OkCupid are apparently flooding my website, my Facebook, and whatever else there is of me out there just trying to dig up info about me, find out if I’m available for dating, and uhm, uh… It’s just a little overwhelming right now, guys. I mean, I guess technically I’m single, or something? But not in the, “Hey, I’m available, date me!” kind of way. Right now, I kind of frighten off really easily when I feel threatened or intimidated, and this is all pretty intimidating for me.
I’m just not ready.
Thank you for the nice emails, the offers of condolences, the “I understand”s and the “you can talk to me”s, but I just don’t want to patch over this situation by putting myself in another situation. I kind of want to heal from this in a healthy way. Like, a way that doesn’t require constant validation and flattery and compliments to make me feel good about myself again. It’s not healthy, it’s not sustainable, and frankly, it just makes me feel bad about myself.
As my mom would say, “It’s time to feed my soul.”
And trust me, I’m working on itt.
But uh, let’s be friends, okay?
… Not that I know how that works either, actually.
Sherilynn “Cheri” Macale