Let’s talk about porn, personal bankers and money.

This is one of those stories that should probably not be told publicly — I can even hear the groans now. No, Cheri, no! Turn back! But pffft. In light of recent events, I find this story to be incredibly fitting and appropriately, uh, inappropriate.

Remember that story I told you guys a few days ago about how I lost my cellphone when I was dancing in some club, and when I reached in to grab it from my purse, it was gone? Yeah. Well. My phone has this really cute pink wallet-case thing on it that I actually used to stash a bunch of things, including my California ID and my Debit Card. Both of which were stolen along with my phone, obviously.

Because I’m a responsible little person, I stopped into my bank a few days afterwards to discuss replacing that sucker. And being the friendly sort of person that I am, I quickly made friends with a “Personal Banker” as he walked me through how to handle my shitty situation. For the sake of this story, let’s refer to my banker as *Pete.

The dilemma with Pete

Fast forward through a lot of personal introductions involving telling Pete what I do for a living, how I lost my phone, blah-dee-blah, and you’ve reached today where he’s sent me an email saying, “Hey, your replacement card just came in. Come pick it up.” But much more professional-sounding than that, of course.

So today I take off during work to go grab it since banking hours are conveniently only open while normal people with jobs who actually have to use banks don’t have a free moment to leave the office. I meet up with Pete, we get my card set up, and as he’s scrolling through my account he’s like, “So I notice a fee here that came in a few days after your card was actually cancelled.”

Immediately I’m all, “What? Really? How much is it for?”
“$39.99 (USD).” He says.
I’m racking my brain for what I could have possibly spent $40 on in the past week, and I just literally have no idea. “Where is it from?” I ask.
“It says AcceptCharge — that’s it. Does that sound familiar?”
“Uh, no.” I say, pretty damn sure I have no clue what he’s talking about.

He goes into some short speech, throwing out buzzwords like “dispute” and “claim” and blahblah, basically saying he can call in and have it cancelled, when suddenly it hits me — Oh shit. That’s that porn site I subscribed to.

I solemnly swear that I am not a freak.

Okay, so. Here’s where you’re probably like, “Yeah, this definitely sounds like an inappropriate story, Cheri.”

But here’s the thing, guys. It’s not like I’m regularly subscribed to porn. Seriously, I’m not. But uh, there are definitely some sites I’ll curiously look at now and then that happen to be free, and the clips I happen to continue clicking on all belong to this one porn brand or whatever. So I’m like, okay. I’m gonna go check out that brand and see what else it has.

This site ends up having like, all these preview clips or whatever of what looks like fantastic and high quality stuff, and come on — we all look at porn, right? And don’t you kind of sit there going, “I wonder what this full movie looks like?” Or, “What could possibly be so great about paying for this shit?”

And recently, I was all, whatever. I never take myself shopping, I never spend my money on anything but food or video games and booze on the weekends, it’s not like I’m running around getting regular sex anywhere, and I’ve just always wanted to see WTF was behind these paid subscription things, so why not?! A one-month peek won’t kill me.

So yeah.
I subscribed, like, two weeks ago.

I know you’re probably like, “What’s it like? What’s behind the pay-to-play?!”
I’ll tell you.

For all you poor fuckers or under-eighteen-perverts who don’t have your own credit cards or something, let me just say this now: Save your money because paying for porn sites is not worth it.

Probably the only cool thing about actually paying for a porn site is that it lets you download high quality movies to your computer, and trust me — even those aren’t that great. Once you realize that you have unlimited access to porn, it really doesn’t make it as fun as it was when you felt like you were being a cheapskate and watching the free stuff.

Too much of a good thing can definitely make it bad, and honestly, after two or three days in, I stopped watching it.

… On the bright side: Unlimited porn.

Back to the bank

“Would you like me to call in and dispute the payment?” Pete’s asking. Oh god, he can see right through me. Oh god, he’s totally disputed payments like this before. Oh god, he’s gonna think I’m a pervert.

Isn’t it hilarious that a porn site would cleverly disguise its name in your banking statement to be something unassuming like “AcceptCharge” or whatever-the-hell it was? I’m guessing this has more to do with protecting undersexed husbands from their snooping wives rather than preserving the reputations of curiously horny female twentysomethings with their personal bankers. Eep.

But when you’re sitting there wondering if you should dispute the payment or not, you get confused because the porn site has disguised itself way too well, and you end up embarrassing yourself anyway because you wind up sitting with your banker trying to figure out what this mysterious charge is.

:-)

In a poor attempt to save face — I suck at lying, by the way, so I know he thought something was up —  I blurt, “No, no! I think I remember what that charge is from, actually!”
“… Ah, okay.” Pete says, leaving it at that.

Thank.
You.
Jesus.

No more smalltalk. Gimme the card.

I thank him profusely for his help and bounce outta there as fast as I can to get back to work. I just barely miss catching a muni — that’s always fun — cursing “Of course” under my breath. When I finally catch one, I plop into a seat with a nice window view and think to myslelf, Wow. I really need to cancel that subscription.

… Either that or actually put it to use, right?

The downside of subscribing to porn sites, however, is that they freaking make it impossible to unsubscribe. It’s like trying to cancel your XBOX Live subscription or something, which is, coincidentally, also a fucking nightmare. These companies want your money, after all.

The sneaky jerks cleverly hide all of the “Cancel Payment” links or “Unsubscribe” buttons so you end up having to go through some sort of phone process just to get this shit to end. And seriously, who wants to sit on the phone and discuss why you’re unsubscribing to a fucking porn site? Really? Come on.

Lesson Learned

Basically, you are all so damn lucky that I’m learning these lessons for you. I just saved you, like, $40 right now. Do not ever subscribe to porn sites. Stick to the crappy clips on free websites that make you think you’re missing out on something — I am speaking from first hand experience, guys. I really am.

Also, don’t lose your wallet once every month.
That’s probably a really good tip.

My bank, by the way, is awesome because they just gave me this fee-waiver thing which basically means that all of my banking with them is free for the rest of my life. Amazing. Not sure how they’d feel about that elite status if they started acquainting me with those mouth-breathing basement-dwellers who watch porn all day.

… Which I swear I do not.
Seriously.
You believe me, right?

And Pete, if you’re reading this, hi.
I swear I’m not weird (*edit: okay, maybe just a little), and I hope this made you laugh.

Off to make the most of my subscription before I attempt to cancel it again,
XOXO Cheri XOXO

PS! Aren’t you glad I didn’t stop blogging just to please that one guy? :) Also, I swear I’m not watching porn right now, ha. I’m going out. Jeez. It’s Friday.