Dear Potential Mate,
Ahem. It’s come to my attention that I should probably let you know this ASAP. I’m a rather well-known entity when it comes to online blogging — at least, to my current readers, anyway. Which means, I’m usually writing about my personal life and the crazy adventures in it, and I’m usually doing it often.
This doesn’t mean that I blog about my personal relationships with people, of course — tried that once and discovered it didn’t work out so well — but it does mean that my writing tends to be exaggerated and written for entertainment purposes. This also means that what you read here might, of course, offend you. I understand why this can be off-putting, but I can assure you that my writing voice is a very different voice from how I really am in person, which is actually very polite and soft-spoken.
If you do happen to come across anything I’ve written online and find it offensive, I hope you see it as part of the “online public figure” package rather than the complete scope of who I am. I’m actually a very nice person, aside from the aggressive nature of my blog. I’m a writer, you see. It’s what I do. And yes, this comes after a failed relationship-trial where I scared away the nice boy I was talking to by giving him access to my blog, something I immediately regret, of course.
The problem I seem to have with guys is that when they meet me, they end up liking me incredibly fast. And then directly after that, they start to feel more sensitive towards the things I say — most especially here on my blog (even if it has nothing to do with them or anything to do with our relationship). They then begin hyper-monitoring everything I do online, be it on Twitter, Google+, Facebook etc. Naturally, this ruins relationships.
I can’t help that.
I don’t ask for that to happen.
But it always does.
It’s a heartbreaking thing, it really is. Something that I’d really like to avoid happening again in the future, as I’m really not sure how much of that same sort of thing I can handle. That said, please don’t judge me by my blog alone. Get to know me for who I am instead of what I write online — I’ve been blogging this way for over 10 years, and I probably won’t stop. And if reading this is already scaring you, you’re better off not approaching me at all.
Also, please be aware that I would never write about you or anything we’ve done together without your expressed permission. That’s simply not what I do, as I’m already aware of how damaging that can be to any budding relationship.
Knowing this, I’ll leave you with an email I had to write today addressing this same situation. I’ve conveniently excluded any identifying segments, as that’s just not how I roll. But it should give you some insight into how I really feel about blogging, and how to approach me in the future, should you be interested in dating me.
I’d honestly prefer if you just stopped emailing me. It’s becoming obvious that you really don’t understand me, and I completely get that. What I do can be hard to grasp — but the truth is, what I write about and how often I do it is the reason I have the job I do now, and the reason why I’ve been hired for so many other things in the past as well. It’s actually the reason there are so many opportunities for me currently.
The fact that I didn’t even get a chance to explain myself before you made this decision is … Well. I’m a firm believer in the idea that someone you care about should never make you cry, and should approach everything rationally before making swift decisions. When I received that email from you out of the blue, I was shocked.
I have no intentions to quit my blog — it’s made me who I am and I’ve written this way for most of my life. The person I’m with will have to deal with the things I publish. It’s not as if I’m writing awful things about you. I write for the entertainment of my readers. In fact, I intend to publish a book one day in a very similar fashion, and if the man I date is uncomfortable with the snippets I post in a blog, then he’ll most likely be uncomfortable with my eventual print-media piece as well.
If you’re wondering what question I was going to ask you when we were *together the other night, I was going to ask if we could make it official. It’s why I was pushing towards Facebook friending you, and why I was so nervous. Because I wanted to take that next step with you, and I haven’t taken a step like that in a really long time. I’m ready to be committed to someone who makes me happy and who doesn’t judge me, and it’s upsetting that it can’t be you.
Unbeknownst to you, I’ve already talked about you and spilled my guts to several of my close friends saying I had finally met someone I really liked, so it obviously comes as a shock to both me and them that you’ve decided to call it off. You should know that I am very picky with who I date, and will obviously be even more selective in the future. They also seem to be in agreement that I’m not to blame for your reaction, and that this has more to do with how you feel or your insecurities than me as a person.
I refuse to change.
I like who I am, and I like what I do.
Naturally if we had become an official item, I wouldn’t be going to clubs at all. I went to the club with my girlfriends that night just looking to have a good time, not to go out and “score” — you already know I’m not like that. I texted you that night, even, to try and get ahold of you so we could hang out. Just because I’m dancing with someone doesn’t mean I want to be their girlfriend. You of all people — the person who goes out dancing and clubbing way more than I do — should know that.
Also, the fact that I just happened to be dancing in a club the night before an amazing date with you has NOTHING to do with anything. The fact that you’re focusing on that just makes me cringe in disbelief. The more I think about it, the more upset it makes me. I don’t deserve this sort of treatment when I did nothing wrong.
I’m sorry I made you feel bad, and I still think you’re a wonderful person, but you’re right. We’re probably not a good match, and I’m sorry that we had to go through all of this just to find that out.
Please live a happy life,
I’m essentially taking this as a lesson that I should be more up-front about my blog, more up-front about my online presence, and more up-front about the difficulties I’ve had with dating in the past due to being so public. I’m a very … Career-focused individual, and that can be hard to stomach for a lot of people. I can’t help wanting to succeed — it’s not like I don’t make time for the person I’m dating if I actually do get a free moment, but for the most part, yes. My work comes first.
Can you imagine if me and this guy had started dating, and I had given up on my blog just to appease him, and we ended up breaking up? I wouldn’t have my blog anymore. I’d essentially lose out on several opportunities due to the loss, and I’d feel dependent on him.
Don’t think so.
I don’t roll like that, Jack.
But I won’t sit here and babysit someone’s insecurities. I won’t sit here and be guilted by someone or made to cry because of something I’ve done and have been doing since I was fourteen years old. If you have a problem with the way that I blog or the things that I talk about, do yourself a big fat fucking favor and stop reading this shit. I can assure you that I am much more charming in person than the ranty and emotional writer would have you believe here on my website.
To be honest, I’d prefer I be given a real chance to prove myself rather than the immediate judging I receive based on social sites like Facebook where you can scroll through over 2,000 photos of me and suddenly feel like you know me. I’d also prefer that you not judge me based on articles I write on my blog, or on my Twitter — humans are very multifaceted beings, and what we feel or make public via blogging or social sites on one day might be completely different from how we feel the next.
Example: Are you seriously going to judge me by something I wrote when I was 19 years old? Sigh. Welcome to 5 years later.
But again, let this just be a warning to you rather than a my-way-or-the-highway deal. I’m not in the business of hurting people, and I certainly don’t aim for that sort of outcome. So if any of the above leaves you a bit disturbed, then … Well. I say go with your gut, and avoid me.
In the words of Aaron Karo, free up some ass for the rest of the world.
All my best,