Advice * Sherilynn Macale (HeyCheri)

How do you deal with friends who now either treat you terribly, or don’t try?

January 20, 2012 in Advice, Dear Cheri

Q: dear cheri. how do you deal with close friends who now either treat you terribly. or dont try? like honestly its the year before we all go separate ways. and i cant help but feel bitter. thought you might have some insight on it, and i feel like youre someone who can be straight honest with me. thank youuuu:)

– via Tumblr

A: With close friends that don’t try, if I still want them in my life, I try to make an effort to show that I give a shit about them first. It’s important to me that I do away with my own pride if I want to salvage friendships by making an obvious effort to incorporate them into everything I do — whether it’s divulging secrets, asking for help in making big decisions, or just venting emotionally.

If it’s obvious that they aren’t reciprocating even after multiple tries, then fuckit — I did what I could, so what else is there left to do? I simply stop relying on them for those sort of things and move on to the friends who I know will be there for me. But I don’t go so far as to completely cut them out of my life — they haven’t done anything wrong, after all. They’re probably going through their own shit too. I have no idea.

I think you need to ask yourself how much you value your friendships with these people, and also ask yourself whether or not you’re just being selfish. People sometimes grow in different paths. People sometimes get busy. People sometimes just need a break from one another.

All you know is what’s going on in your own head, so do what you can to make yourself happy and stop worrying about these other people. I’m sure they’ll come around if they truly are your friends. And if not, then fuck ‘em.

Have a question? Need advice? Simply want to vent?

Feel free to either shoot me an email, reach out to me on Tumblr anonymously (I realize some of you would rather not be associated with your questions — this is fine), or find some other creative means to get in touch. I’m happy to help. And no, not all advice questions will make it onto heycheri.com, but I hope to at least help as many of you as possible during my downtime.

I should also note that the reason I wasn’t answering questions specifically here on heycheri.com was because I typically preface questions with long introductions and these lengthy, nonsensical stories that I’m sure no one really cares about. Now having had this blog for quite some time, I’m realizing that sometimes, people don’t give a shit about absolutely everything. They just want the straight advice.

For those of you who typically come here to read my lengthier posts, I hope that these brief question-answering entries don’t deter you from visiting my site. I’d love to cater to absolutely everyone, but … Well. That’s just not possible. Fortunately, I run the show here, so I can do whatever I want. ;)

Oh, and real quickly:

Let me point you towards a Facebook contest I’m running where you can enter for a chance to win a $200 gift card to Gemvara.com. As Valentine’s Day is coming up, this could slash $200 off of something sparkly and pretty for your sweetheart. Or, y’know, just buy something for yourself or save the gift card for a rainy day. It’s your $200 to spend. Check it out!

Speak soon, yeah?
XOXO Cheri XOXO

4 Comments »

On Happiness, Success and Self-Discovery.

January 12, 2012 in Adventures, Advice, Dating & Boys, Random Crap, Reflecting, Vanity

It’s been almost a month since I’ve taken my hiatus from blogging.
I thought by now I’d have my book written up and finished, but as it turns out, books apparently take much longer than 30 something odd days to write, edit and publish. So, in the interest of my own sanity, I’ve decided to blog a bit.

Which means, hello readers.
I haven’t seen some of you in a while.
And to the rest of you who’ve been quietly stalking me through various other social platforms, you probably haven’t missed me at all (assuming you would miss me in the first place, that is).

If you’ve been keeping up with me via Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr (NSFW), Google+ etc — you’ve probably experienced more than enough of your fair share when it comes to my annoyingly persistent and sometimes-inebriated or caffeine-induced writing. This combined with a dash of egomaniacal self-”photography”, a pinch of free-spirited philosophy, and a quick foursquare check in here or there, and you have the makings of a compulsive-scribe who has been desperately trying not to document her every thought or experience.

Evidence of my peeing across the Internet in an effort to continue marking my virtual territory can be seen in the many far-too-vain images below:

Again, if you’ve been attempting to keep up with me outside of my blog, you’ve probably already seen these images. So my apologies to those of you who’ve grown sick of seeing my big, fat and dumb face.

Let’s get you all caught up, shall we?

First things first, the most important highlights of my young millennial life:

I am now happily single after being succinctly dumped on Christmas day. How this happened is truly beyond me, as I’ve basically written the book on how to be an awesome girlfriend. Since then, however, I’ve been swept up in what I believe to be one extremely healthy dating life, so the pain of breaking up was, fortunately, sharp but very brief. I will admit, of course, to laughing at myself and feeling like a moron for investing deep emotions into what was frankly one short (although deliciously sex-injected) relationship. Lesson learned.
This near-month I’ve spent on my hiatus from blogging has been full of absolutely ridiculous adventures that I’m sort of grateful for leaving off the web, yet simultaneously regret not having documented. After blogging for well over a decade now, I feel I owe it to most of my readers to clue them into the various soap opera-esque exploits of my absurdly entertaining life (trouble seems to have a way of finding me). But again, some things are meant to be left unsaid and, on that same note, some pictures are meant to go unpublished.
My new years resolutions have been something like, “try new things,” “develop my skills,” “embrace my friends,” and “leave my apartment at least once a day.” So far, I’ve been doing pretty well. Especially with this break from blogging — I’ve been developing closer relationships with many of my girlfriends, and it reminds me that not everything needs to be said online, and that sometimes, I’m better off just divulging my secrets and emotions to the people in my life who I sincerely trust. With my priorities now reevaluated, I’m able to make smarter decisions about who I decide to speak to about what, and where I decide to share whatever I’d like to reveal.

There. Now you’re all caught up on the basic stuff.
Moving on.

How’s my “work” situation?

After having all this time to sort of spoil myself rotten by doing whatever I want (dating, exploring the city, going on new adventures etc), I’ve finally kicked back into “work mode” again and am starting to humor the idea of dedicating myself to a new position. I won’t mention who exactly I’ve been speaking to regarding employment, but I will say that unlike my previous endeavors towards rapidly scaling my professional career, I now know that my massive amount of work experience is incredibly valuable, and that I can afford to take my time and be a bit more selective with what I eventually decide to do.

My main goal is to work in an environment that is consumer-and-media-facing, aggressive, and exploits my ability to a) network, b) thrust myself into social media with high-volume content, c) develop highly engaging branding strategies, and d) write, obviously. Toss in a bit of travel, one fantastic salary, great benefits and the potential opportunity to be a sort of “cheerleader” for whatever brand I happen to represent, and you have my ideal work situation.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about what I’d like to do with my life, joking that even if I ended up homeless or jobless for whatever reason, I’d be the sort of person to take that experience in stride. In fact, I’d probably end up documenting the entire episode online anyway, a la that one homeless lady who is now a Twitter celebrity after sharing her street-life adventures with the Internet. And yes, I’m annoyed that she did it before me. Not that I planned on being homeless! Just that I had a strategy for how I’d take that situation, should it ever arise, and was hoping it would be a unique (and potentially profitable) concept. Ah well.

Regardless of what I decide to do, I’m not so stupid as to think that things will simply fall into my lap. As knowledgeable and capable as I claim I am (and know I am, really), it all depends on the employer to decide whether I’d be an appropriate “fit” for whatever their long-term vision is regarding the company. I’ve been in enough chaotic and disorganized situations to understand this. I am hopeful, however, that my jarring online persona — although entertaining to some — will not take precedence over my actual skill and experience.

Because let’s be honest.
I’m pretty badass.

… And humble, clearly.

The job market is changing.

One established and successful friend of mine very seriously said, “Cheri, if you can’t make it in San Francisco, you can’t make it anywhere.” And this is more true than you know.

You have no idea how many CEOs, Founders and Entrepreneurs I’ve met who all argue the same thing — that the job market is changing, and how nowadays, a degree simply can’t compare to someone who has better drive, work experience and hunger or passion for their industry. Almost every company I have had the pleasure of getting to know (including big-wigs like Google and Facebook) might suggest an emphasis on the importance of a degree and education, but the reality of the situation is: College-dropouts have invaded the market and are making more than those with expensive degrees can ever hope to achieve.

Now, I am not, by any means, suggesting that everyone drop out of school, start their own company or come to San Francisco and work for a startup. If life truly were that easy, we’d all be running our own companies and raising several millions of dollars in funding. I am, however, being completely honest when I say that out of every interview or meeting I’ve had, I’ve been strongly advised against re-attending school for a higher degree (this advice comes from PR execs, company owners, investors etc), and have instead been encouraged to pursue my passions outside of education. Most of the successful people I’ve met agree that schooling (for someone with my current experience, anyway) would be a waste of time, and that with the connections and skills I have, I’d be better suited to picking up a position ASAP. This is especially true for someone with my particular interests, as the tech scene here in Silicon Valley is a “hot job market” with lots of money to go around.

This is shocking to think about, really, when you imagine how poor the US economy supposedly is. I feel incredibly privileged to live in such a thriving city. There’s really nothing wrong with San Francisco, which makes it one easy and fun city to live in (provided you understand where to seek the right opportunities). And after speaking to someone who is very seriously considering taking a political role in the future, this is simply one of those cities where you can get by on humoring the majority vote of the locals.

Blah, blah, blah.
I could rant forever about this sort of thing, but I’d prefer not to bore you. Feel free, however, to pose any questions you might have for me regarding the above in the comments below. As usual, I am happy to respond.

What have I discovered about myself while taking a break from blogging?

When I was young(er), I would often get caught up in what I now understand to be fleeting and unimportant moments in my life. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again — things that felt momentous and epic have instead been chalked up as “life experiences”, and it is from these failures and successes that I’ve managed to figure out more deeply who I am, what I want, what I’ll tolerate and what I won’t. I very much understand myself and what makes me happy, and I’ve learned that the only person who makes a difference when it comes to doubting my own abilities is, surprise, me.

I’ve also learned that negative outside influences, i.e. the people who try to bring us down, the people who pretend to be friends but that we should really only be tactfully humoring, and the people who really have no business being allowed to experience our presence to begin with — these are the people whose opinions and ideas are, without a doubt, hindering us from achieving our goals. You have absolutely no idea how much I’ve been able to accomplish by ignoring the once-overwhelming amount of “hate” I’ve received through nearly every new venture I’ve bothered to pursue. It is so clear to me now that changing my directives and goals to suit the granular needs of every single person on planet earth only serves to pull me further away from my ultimate aims.

That said, I am far more motivated now to do the things that I previously thought to be frowned upon. This includes but is not limited to: Modeling for fun, writing for fun, creating art for fun, goofing off on my piano for fun, reading every book I can get my hands on for fun, enjoying sex for fun, cooking for fun, being a good girlfriend for fun, dating for fun etc. I’ve found that the more honest I am with myself about what makes me happy, the easier it is for me to admit to other people my guilty pleasures with an unabashed sense of self awareness.

Life is, indeed, very good.

What you should be taking from my rambling:

For the depressed few in the world who happen to disagree with my proposal that life is truly wonderful, I desperately hope that you all somehow find happiness while aiming for the things that actually bring you a lasting sense of pleasure rather than these fleeting moments of accomplishment. Far too often, I personally feel that I aim for these things that, in the long run, don’t bring me a real sense of contentment. And yes, although it is definitely enjoyable to gather trophies, the original “buzz” I get from reaching goals has never been quite the same.

This is in comparison, of course, to the moments of true euphoria I receive when, for example, simply lying in bed next to someone I actually really enjoy kissing or touching or talking to. Or in comparison to getting through some amazing book, then serendipitously discovering that someone I know has read it as well, and having this lengthy and energized/excited discussion about what I’ve read, what I should read next, etc. Or the feeling I get when I cook something amazing, and whoever’s tasting it is groaning in pleasure. Or the feeling I get when I’m giving someone a long massage, and they are just loving every second of it. Or the feeling I get actually caring about someone and spoiling someone selflessly. Or the feeling I get when I’m just gabbing with a girlfriend about my day and laughing wildly when we compare stories and experiences.

I repeat: Far too often, we aim for these things that, in the long run, probably don’t matter much in terms of our own personal happiness. It’s the little things in life that we should appreciate and stack up by the hundreds, not these trophies or achievements. And hey — if you, like me, can manage to stack up a healthy helping of both, then I’d say you’ve hit the jackpot.

You hold the reins to your life.
Don’t ever let anyone else tell you how to live it, what to do, what your goals should be and what is or isn’t supposed to make you happy.

Cheers,
XOXO Cheri XOXO

47 Comments »

On dating, sex, and how to be an awesome girlfriend.

December 6, 2011 in Adventures, Advice, Dating & Boys, Sex, Vanity

Oh snap. Things just got adorable in here!

Remember a few days ago when I was talking about needing to take it easy, do new things and enjoy this time I have off from working for the corporate man? Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. And I just feel so. Damn. Happy. No joke — things could not get better right now. I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess I can start you guys off with the biggest news first, then sort of ease you into how awesome the rest of my life has been. I apologize in advance, of course, for how scatter-brained I might sound in the following paragraphs, or for any incomplete thoughts I may lead you into below — I feel like I’ve been doing nothing but new things and having crazy adventures recently. It’s kind of hard to stack it all into chronological order, especially when taking into account how drunk I was through a lot of it.

Also, I realize that the pictures on this particular blog post really have nothing to do with the actual content, but I figured, hey. Some of you aren’t even here to read. Some of you just want to fap to pictures of Asian chicks on the Internet. Luckily for fappers everywhere, I happen to provide that service for free. Thus, the intro full of incredibly vain and animated photos of me being both drunk and adorable! Don’t you just want to pinch my cheeks?! … Or punch me in the face. Who knows, really? Some people only read my blog because they hate me and have vowed to never come back. And yet, here they are, reading my posts, fuming over my awesomeness. Not sure how that one works, really.

Okay, there I go being scatter-brained. Moving on.
The big news first, okay? Are you ready for this? Are you? Here goes.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I am officially someone’s girlfriend now.

Mark December 5th on your calendars, kids, because that is the night that Sex Monster (LOL) clasped my face, ran his fingers through my hair, kissed me and finally told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I know. Ladies, fan yourselves and say, “Awwww!” because yes, it was totally romantic and sweet, and oh my gosh, yes, I’m very f*cking happy. Like, newly-painted-toe-curling happy.

While I’d love to reveal exactly when it happened and exactly where we were when the “big news” occurred, I fear it may not be appropriate for some of my younger readers. The moment was a bit, shall we say, “passionate”? Hilariously enough, the situation is totally what you’d expect from someone who’s dating a man she is forced to refer to as “Sex Monster”, so I’ll just let your minds wander a bit with that one. Winky face.

* Can I do that? Can I just spell out “winky face” without actually using the emoticon?
I just did, damn it. Moving on.

Some of my newer readers might be thinking, “Why is Cheri being someone’s girlfriend such a huge deal?” But as any of my OG blog readers will tell you, me even admitting that I’m into someone in a romantic way is very rare, and usually comes with a buttload of hesitation and drama. I’m always incredibly wary with revealing intimate details about my romantic life due to how the blog publicity has affected my relationships in the past. I mean, you guys all remember G, don’t you? And Steven? And Gabriel? Haha, oh man. I do not even want to link you guys to those entries — some things just belong in the archives, y’all.

But again, I’m very happy.
And also, very nervous.

How I’m approaching being in a committed relationship:

Being committed is like … I don’t even. It’s crazy. And by crazy, I mean exciting and fun and “Holy shit, this is awesome”, but it’s also new and nerve-wracking and just, I dunno. Unfamiliar. Really fucking unfamiliar.

I mean, I’ve been in relationships before, duh, but this one’s brand new. Uncharted territory. As in, I refuse to fuck this one up, y’know what I mean? This one hasn’t been tainted yet by the dish-throwing, name-calling or hole-in-the-wall-punching drama that my previous relationships have been, and I really hope to keep it that way. I’d really just like to have a mature, adult relationship with someone who I’m absolutely crazy about, and who I think is crazy about me — or so he claims, anyway. Smiley face.

But what exactly is a mature, adult relationship, and how am I avoiding drama with Sex Monster? Also, what sort of girlfriend am I to begin with? Well, allow me to break it down for you. The following is not a sure-fire way to make your boyfriend happy, and it’s definitely not some sort of “method” that everyone should employ (relationships aren’t a science, kids), but hey. This is what works for me, so maybe it will work for you?

Take a peek at my recipe below for being an awesome girlfriend.

Cheri’s Recipe for Being an Awesome Girlfriend (the 18+ version, probably):

Have as much sex as humanly possible with your boyfriend. Try everything with him. And yes, I realize that sex should not be the only thing that holds two people together, but holy shit. If you two have the sort of chemistry where when you’re out in public, you can’t keep your hands off of each other and just want to rip one another’s clothing off? Take advantage of that immediately. For me, that sort of spark is very rare.
If you feel insecure about something or have an issue that’s bothering you, just be open and honest about it. Don’t throw a fit, don’t throw a tantrum, but definitely communicate with your lover in a way that’s both revealing of your issues and sensitive to his feelings as well. I cannot stress how important communication is. Get everything out of the way so it doesn’t get pent up and escalate into some sort of ridiculous fight.
Don’t nag your boyfriend. This is a very traditional rule that I happen to live by. As in, I don’t call him, I let him call me. And on that same note, I don’t just wait around by my phone desperate for him to call. It’s my personal belief that I should always have something going on. Fortunately, I happen to have a shitload of hobbies and personal projects in the works almost 24/7, so this isn’t a problem.
Don’t be afraid to let him know when you’re thinking about him. Winky face. I do realize I just said you’re not supposed to call or nag your boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean you can’t let him know when you’re thinking about him, right? We do live in the age of the smartphone, after all. It’s quite easy to send a quick text message to our SOs. And for me, since I’m a bit of a “dude” I guess, I tend to text my sweetheart when I’m thinking about him in “that way”. And sweetie, if you’re reading this, I swear I don’t mean to objectify you at all and I promise that you are not just a big piece of sexy meat to me, but holy god. If I want to jump your bones right this very moment, I’m going to let you know about it. So ladies, speaking from experience, let me tell you — your honey buns will not mind if you tell him you’re horny and miss him. Trust me. And hey, if you want to lure him over to your apartment with a cute picture to remind him of what’s waiting for him, well. I doubt he’d object.
Aim to be a “vacation” for your boyfriend. It’s super important to me that when my sweetheart is around me, he’s enjoying himself so much that he doesn’t want to leave. And I don’t mean this in a, “You’re trapped! You’re never leaving! Bahahaha!” sort of way. I mean it more like, make him super comfortable, be there when he needs someone to talk to, and always make him feel like he’s the most important thing in the world. For example, my sweetie has full-body massages on tap when he’s with me. He doesn’t even have to ask. And when he’s lying in my bed, trust me — he’s happy. He doesn’t have to ask for a drink, I’m already offering while on my way to grab the Brita pitcher from the fridge, or heating up the kettle to make green tea for him in the morning. It just feels good to make him feel special, and if you’re crazy about someone, that’s how it should be. It’s not a chore to do things for them. You just want to.

Okay, okay. You get it.

Blah, blah, blah. I could go on, I suppose, but as much as I love gushing about this kind of crap, I’m sure none of you actually wants to read about it at length. So uh, I’ll just say this:

My goal in life when it comes to relationships has always been to be the “perfect housewife” sort of girl. The kind of chick who makes lemonade and cookies for her sweetie when he’s doing manly things around the house, or brings him his favorite beer when he’s watching his favorite shows on TV, or massages his shoulders for him after a long day at work.

To me, that’s just what girlfriends/wives/whatevers are supposed to do — it comes with the job description, y’know? This is the standard that I hold myself against, is something I’ve always grown up wanting to do for my boyfriend or significant other, and is something that I finally get to do with Sex Monster (God, I can’t even type that stupid nickname with a straight face).

Don’t get me wrong, he’s awesome too!

The relationship is not completely one-sided, of course. I’m not the only one sitting there giving him long massages, fetching him drinks and scratching his head while he buries his face into my chest (not that I wouldn’t mind being the only one doing it, by the way). He’s also incredibly generous and giving in almost every way possible.

For example, when things ended with The Next Web, he was immediately there for me. I called him crying, basically, and feeling very vulnerable — weakness just isn’t something I enjoy showing people. And he was just … So sympathetic. So willing to change his plans around immediately to make sure that I was okay, that I had someone I could talk to, and someone that would make everything better. You have no idea how much I appreciated him at that moment, and realized he was someone I could really be with. And this was before we were official.

He even picked me up from the bar I was drinking at (yes, my cliche-ass totally went to a bar to drown my sorrows in alcohol), drove me home, and picked up ingredients from the grocery store to make banana + Nutella crepes from scratch for me. And hey, if I hadn’t forced him to pull over so I could puke out of his car like the disgusting and unattractively just-laid-off wreck I was, we probably would have had some amazing and romantic sex that night. Alas, not every moment has a fairytale ending. /Facepalm. Fortunately, Sex Monster is kind enough to see past my faults. In fact, just this morning, he pointed out how cute the mascara smeared all over my face was, then cooed over the huge pimple on my stache-line. Isn’t he sweet?

In all seriousness, there are several things about him that I like, and again, I could gush forever about this sort of thing. But I’ll keep it simple: He’s kind, he’s smart, he makes me laugh (and hard), I want to rip his clothes off, he treats me well, he’s well-spoken, I respect him, he’s sexy, he makes me feel comfortable, the sex is insane-pornstar status, he’s super manly, he can cook (like, real cooking), he’s interesting, and I just have a shitload of fun with him. And yeah, it’s great.

But okay. Enough about relationships and mushy gushy nyah-nyah-nyah.

The rest of my life is turning out pretty terrific as well.

Oh man, this post is getting long, yeah? But there’s just so much good news to share! So many good things are in the works or have already happened. I’m working on a few personal projects right now (when am I not?), and I’m in the process of sorting out a few sponsorships with some really cool prizes from a few amazing companies. I’ve also been taking meetings with several people on possible employment opportunities, while also going on crazy adventures with a few friends of mine.

Needless to say, I’ve been taking full advantage of the time I’ve been given while available for hire, and my days have been full of nothing but positive experiences so far. I am, however, of the sort to believe that with extreme highs like this, there is the potential for a long fall with an impressive crash and burn. So no, I don’t expect this happiness will last forever. Thankfully, I’m accustomed to the sting of failure, so I’m not scared of what’s to come. Rather, I am excited to experience the rest of my life, regardless of whether those experiences are good or bad.

Alright. That’s enough.
I need to stop writing so fucking much.
The TLDR version: Things are good, my boyfriend’s hot, and I’m trying new things. The end.

Off to zone out with a video game before bed,
Sherilynn “Cheri” Macale

63 Comments »

Sherilynn Macale (HeyCheri)

You are browsing the Blog for Advice.

How do you deal with friends who now either treat you terribly, or don’t try?