I was just asked to model for a website very much like theCHIVE. It’s ranked fairly high globally and in the US as far as websites go, and after a bit of research, I’ve found it has a primarily college-educated and male readership. The spread they want to feature me in would label me as a “hot babe”, and we’d do an interview of sorts to help their readers get to know me.
I don’t know, guys.
A couple of things:
- Do I really want more dudes fapping to and following me online? Does that matter to me? Will it matter to me in the future?
- What sort of doors will this open for me, and are they the sort of doors I want opened?
- Is this the sort of exposure I ultimately want?
- My poor parents and family. -_-”
A buddy of mine joked recently that the number of men who have probably fapped to the thought of me is most likely numbered in the hundreds of thousands. My response was an immediate “GROSSSS WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO MEEEE” — but also, with the amount of comments I get on Facebook as well as messages or emails begging to talk to me, I can safely assume his assessment is true.
And c’mon. I watch my analytics. I am fully aware that when I post photos from any sort of modeling gig, the traffic on my website jumps substantially.
Let me first just say: I’m grateful for my fans. Really, I am. If it weren’t for you guys and gals, I doubt I’d be anywhere near where I am today. I consider myself lucky to have reached this level of Internet “stardom” (though I admit to putting in a substantial amount of work to achieve this) as I am absolutely a “regular” girl next door — I go out with my friends, hang out with my family, have a day job, date, work out, slum around in pajamas all day, have bad hair days, acne breakouts, and experience the various ups and downs of life just like anyone else. And I wouldn’t say I’ve hit the genetic lottery or anything, especially in comparison to actual pro models out there, but I am perfectly comfortable in my own body and enjoy the way I look both with and without makeup. And if the swarms of positive and uplifting emails and complimentary messages flooding my inbox every day are any indication, I’d say I definitely have a reason to strut with my head held high and a perpetual smile plastered to my face.
But it’s not always fun and games. As an Internet-popular persona of sorts, the pressures I deal with in trying to satisfy everyone’s needs can be really daunting.
For example, some people expect me not to curse, and expect me to be this submissive, servile, docile little Asian girl who doesn’t react inappropriately to bad situations and always minds her manners. And I suppose, for the most part, I am those things — but I am also a passionate woman, and in rare instances, I do blow up.
Some people also expect me to respond to each and every single one of the comments or emails I get, and y’know, maybe when I was like, 19 or something, that was fine, because no one really followed me back then and I actually had the time to get back to every single person as well as the ability to write about whatever-the-fuck I wanted without people blowing up at me over stupid things like how I felt uncomfortable with a guy who went to prison touching my hair and telling me I smell good but who also happens to be blind and supposedly that makes me “ableist” even though as everyone who’s anyone will recall I dated someone with ONE HAND for like FOUR YEARS so maybe someone needs to get their facts straight.
Now that I have a gajillion people reaching out to me over the web, it is a lottery chance that I respond.
I’m sorry about that.
Really, I am.
I wish I could get back to all of you, but I just can’t.
I often find myself wishing I had my own manager to just tell me what to do, direct me this way and that way, manage my fan mail and coax me along — ugh. That would make everything so much easier!
I get offered work and random gigs like the modeling feature I mentioned on a pretty regular basis, but I like to pick and choose between what I do based on the legitimacy of the folks I’d end up working with. I have worked with more than enough shady people in the past (the modeling and photography business is full of creepers), and after the experiences I’ve had, you can’t blame me for being more choosy with the work I accept.
If a website is going to feature me, it means I’d be advertising their stuff to my followers as well. That’s like, 40,000 people on Google+, nearly 300,000 on Facebook, plus wherever else people manage to gobble up my nonsense online (though not Tumblr anymore, obviously, since I accidentally deleted it like an idiot). So, when I’m offered work, I have to consider how that will affect my current following as WELL as the inevitable following to come. And, assuming I plan on doing the “Internet-Famous” thing forever, well …
I think the biggest thing holding me back from modeling 24/7 is the fact that I am smart, and that I don’t want to be known for just my looks. It’s sort of a lowest-hanging-fruit thing — I can take the easy route and smile for the camera and rack up them dollas just being pretty, or I can try to become well-known for the things I actually enjoy and feel make me me.
It’s the reason I push my art so much. It’s the reason I write so much. It’s the reason I participate in business panels and consult startups and companies to help them better plan their social media strategies — I don’t want to just be a “pretty face”, and it really bothers me to think that this is the image I might be projecting to the masses. But it’s tough to find that balance because I do enjoy modeling, and I do enjoy being in front of the camera. So what do I do, y’know? How do I handle that?
I’ll figure it out.
Also, I need food right now.
So, uh …