So.
Since I’m basically jobless until I make the transition to San Francisco (not that I don’t have any income, but I can’t start the real work until I make the move to the city), the only thing that’s been keeping me mildly sane lately is playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. And since I know a lot of you have no idea what Call of Duty is and have probably stopped reading this since the mere thought of video games turn some of you off big time, let me first explain what Call of Duty is.

It’s a First Person Shooter (FPS).
Meaning you play the game as a character in this virtual world that simulates you being behind an actual gun, raging and blowing things up. Perfect for moments where you’re PMSing, or just need to blow off some stress because someone is being a dickhead. … Or just for fun. Heh.

You can even make cute profiles like this (this one’s mine):

It’s cute, right?! Princess Cheri up in this bitch. Lmfao. But I have to level up a few times before I can add more layers or edit it any further, so I’m just playing to unlock more customization, really (like every other game I play).

Oh, and check out my favorite gun:

Also customized to my liking!
It’s an RPK, which is this crazy submachine gun with a huge clip in it that I painted red (the girliest gun camo color available). It even has my Playercard emblem on the side (although I took this picture before I added the crown to it)! Soo cute, right?! Even if you don’t play video games, you have to appreciate that!

You can even customize the crosshairs on your gun into shapes! XD

Mine is, of course, a pink heart. LOL. So when people replay their deaths to see how I scored that shit on them, they see themselves being torn to shreds from a girly-as-fuck gun. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–GASP–HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA!! XD

Anyway.
Not everyone who plays this game is as good natured or hilarious as I am. Take, for example, the majority of the Xbox Live Community that consists of little boys who all have stock microphones and say things that 7 year olds playing a First Person Shooter should not really be saying. O_o …

For examples of the other types of players you may run into on Call of Duty (y’know, aside from makeup & shopping loving cute chicks like me), see the following profile pictures:

So naturally, when I had the choice between playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live or the Playstation Network, I chose PSN.
Mainly because the PSN community is a bit more “adult” and can actually be fun to talk to and play with. Not to mention the fact that there’s less little virgin brats running around spitting profanity since the PS3 headsets are expensive and don’t come stock with the system like the Xbox headsets do.

Oh, and I’ve learned to be selective with who I add to my friend’s list as well because the guys I play with have this tendency to fall in love with me and eventually end up blowing up my private messages and inbox with tons of chatty bullshit that just wastes my time while I’m on the system. -_-”

What do you expect, though? The majority of cats who play online are self-admitted geeks and don’t really get out much (and believe me, I can relate). But on the other side of the coin, I also run into really chill people too who are way fun to play with!

Like my buddy Flacco who I met via Call of Duty less than a week ago.
I was playing a match against this huge team of people, and my team lost. I had a pretty decent score, so I was bitching a little in the lobby like, “What the fuck, dude? How did we lose?”
Flacco hears me and he’s all, “That’s because you’re surrounded by losers, Cheri. Come roll with some winners!!” Lmao.
“Invite me!” I say.

And bam. A friend is made. :P

Fast forward to today, and I’m stressed out from having zero luck house hunting all weekend. When I get Flacco’s game invite to join his party, I smile to myself because I already know I’m gonna have a good time playing with him. The jokes and small talk start as soon as I team up with him, and eventually I’m like, “Hey! We should play Hardcore* — it’s fun, I swear!”

*Hardcore is a game mode in Call of Duty that provides a more realistic experience for the player as you can’t heal, can’t constantly see where people are on your radar, and bullets actually kill you instantly like they should (depending on where they hit you on your body).

It takes me forever to convince him since he’s never played before, but I beg him to give it a chance instead of pointing out what a fucking pussy he’s being, and he gives in. Thanks, buddy. Lol.

… Uh oh.
Have I lost some of you yet?
Here’s a picture of me in a gorgeous dress to keep your attention:

There we go.
That’s better.

Anyway, Flacco and I join a Team Deathmatch Lobby in Hardcore with a group of other random players. And when the match starts, Flacco’s being an idiot, as usual, making me laugh since he has the craziest vocabulary and this random as hell mind and he’s talking about how he hates Hardcore so goddamn much, but when I check the leaderboards, he has the HIGHEST SCORE. LOL!!

He’s fucking with me like, saying, “OH MY GOD CHERI, LOOK OVER THERE. NO, OVER THERE!! NO, WRONG WAY!!” And it’s seriously messing with my head because then someone will kill me and I’ll be like, “FLACCO!!!” Laughing so hard I’m gasping for breath. “SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE, YOU’RE DISTRACTING ME YOU JACKASS!!” LOL. And then he’ll be like, “Okay, now that’s just uncalled for. We don’t name call in here, Cheri.”

Haha!

Anyways … This random dude on our team with a mic starts to make fun of me. I’m used to it, of course — you kind of have to be if you play videogames online. Some people are stupid. But Flacco starts getting protective, Lol. That’s loyalty right there. Bonding via videogames, right?

Random Dude: (Begins giggling like a girl. Tee hee hee and what not.)
Flacco: Wow. That’s balls, bro. Mocking an innocent girl online. Make you feel like more of a man?
Me: (Cluelessly) Oh. He’s making fun of me?
Random Dude: (Continues to giggle like a girl.)
Flacco: Don’t listen to him. Not worth your time.
Me: (Realization!) Hold on, that’s a fake laugh?? (Bursts out laughing) I thought he was really laughing like that!! I was like, ‘GROSSSS!!’
Flacco: (Starts laughing loudly!)
Random Dude: (Switches it up quickly and asks, very seriously) Do you like anal sex?
Me: (Unable to hear clearly over Flacco’s laughter, but thinks she heard clearly, but asks just to clarify.) Wait, what?
Random Dude: Do you like to stick things in your butt?
Flacco: CHERI, (Sternly) DO NOT ANSWER THAT.
Me: (Laughing super hard) Why?! Why can’t I answer that, Flacco?!
Random Dude: Do you like anal sex? (Louder)
Flacco: NO. SHE DOESN’T LIKE ANAL SEX. CHERI, DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
Me: (LOL!!!)
Random Dude: Do you like anal masturbation??
Flacco: WOW. You have some problems, man! You are sick in the head.
Me: Hold on, hold on! I’ll trade you an answer for an answer. Tell me what the difference is between a girl who doesn’t like anal sex, and a girl who does.
Flacco: Man, Cheri … You wanna answer these questions? I dunno.
Me: What?! I’m curious! You can’t blame me for being curious. I wanna know!
Random Dude: It would be awesome if you did. Me and my girlfriend have anal sex and she loves it.
Flacco: WOWWW, CHERI.
Me: Your girlfriend sounds like a nice girl. (Laughing)
Random Dude: Do you like to masturbate anally?
Flacco: DON’T ANSWER THAT.
Me: (Ignoring Flacco and laughing) Honestly, when I masturbate I don’t really go for the ass, I go for the clit. You know what that is, right??
Everyone: … (Complete silence)
Me: What?! I answered your question!!
Random Dude: Yes, I know what that is. Some girls don’t like clitoral stimulation. (He enunciates the last two words.)
Me: (Laughing) Name one “girl” who doesn’t like clitoral stimulation, and I will point out somebody who’s probably had a sex change. And if your girlfriend is one of those people, then you’re probably hooking up with a dude. Sorry.
Flacco: DAMN!!! (Laughing. Then to the guy:) Y’know what bro, Let me ask your mom if she masturbates anally. You think your mom does that at night? You’re living in her basement — you should really ask her and let me know. Better yet, put me on the phone with her so I can ask her myself.
Random Dude: Actually, my mom’s dead.
Me: Oh my god, really?!! That makes so much sense!!
Flacco: Don’t buy into that shit. His mom isn’t dead.
Me: Nooo — I feel bad for him!! That’s so sad!! My mom would never let me talk to somebody like that. If he had a mom, forreal, she’d probably slap the shit out of him right now for saying that shit. How saaaad. (Pouty voice.)
Flacco: (Catches on) Yeah, you’re right. And honestly, she probably committed suicide. Can you imagine a kid like that — ‘Mommy, do you stick carrots in your ass? Mommy, do you play with your butthole?’ Fuck, I’d shoot myself in the head.
Me: (Laughing!) OH MY GOD. You’re so mean!! I wasn’t gonna say that, but I was thinking it! You said it first!! (Then straight-faced) But seriously. She probably did kill herself.
Flacco: I would too, shit, if I had a son like that. (Seriously)
Me: Oh my god, his dad probably lied to him and told him that she passed away, but she actually killed herself because of him. (Gasp of sadness!) That’s fucking horrible! Duuude, I feel bad for him!! I’m so sorry, dude! I feel bad for you. I hope you’re not upset. I forgive you for being so fucked up in the head. It makes sense why you’re like that.

The match ends and the dude is in the lobby now crying softly and cursing at us with this shaky voice like we’re these horrible people or something for talking about his mom. Daaang. Flacco’s telling me not to feel bad because anyone who asks questions to girls like that must be sick in the head, or is obviously a virgin.

I leave the lobby, announcing that I need to get a drink of water. But that random dude sends me a private message like, “Hey, will you add me? I’m sorry.”
And I say, “I don’t think your anal-loving girlfriend or dead mom would want you playing with me. I’m kind of a bad influence.”
He writes back, “I’m sorry. I just want to be friends.”
And I say, “If you’re trying to make friends with a California girl, that’s definitely not the way to do it. You gotta be chill. But sorry to hear about your mom — take care.”
He says, “Sorry to bother you.”

I come back to a few messages from him after filling up my waterbottle, and they say shit like, “You there?” And, “I miss you. I’m sorry.”

A dorky picture of me to revive you a little, making sure you’ve survived all the way to the end of this entry.

And a sexy “modeling” picture, because I’ll be shooting again with Larry Khong this weekend (we’re taking a road trip down south) and I just want to remind you who he is before I throw up a million shots of me from him again.

… Ohhhh, Call of Duty.
Bringing the craziest people in the world together.
Don’t you just love video games?

Also, I was on a team of nothing but police officers earlier. I was like, “Oh my god, this is my fantasy come true right now.” We were all laughing so hard.
Flacco’s all, “You just lost so many respect points with me. Fuck the police! They’re assholes!”
I’m all, “No they’re not. They’re sexy and they’re always really nice to me! I think they’re hot.”
And he says, “I’m pretending you just didn’t say that, Cheri! Maybe your West Coast cops are nice because you’re in California, but East Coast cops are bitches!” Rofl.

Taking a break from house hunting for places in San Francisco,
XOXO Cheri XOXO

PS! Pick yourself up a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops by clicking THIS LINK RIGHT HERE. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. IT’S IN ALL CAPS. Lmao. Can’t get anymore obvious than that. It’s great as a christmas gift, or for yourself. Woop woop.