Joey Mack sent me a message saying that he needs me to do a Q&A with some chick website and I was like “Ah, okay – but what do I get out of it?” He said that a bunch of girls read the blog, so I was like “Hell yeah!” I didn’t know what to write about, so he tried to help by suggesting some possible topics:

After reading his suggestions, I now realize that I need to distance myself even more from these HaulBlog guys because they’re bringing me down… Big time.

I personally think Joey Mack thinks way too much about what it’s like being me. You see, I don’t think about how cool I am or how badass I am. I just live my life the only way I know how and that’s to the extreme! Whether it’s pickin’ up on a new broad or rollin’ from one place to the other in my Beamer, I am who I am – and that’s EliteBMW. The reality is, if Joey Mack had the slightest clue what makes me tick, his topic suggestions would’ve been more like:

But to sit down and write some musings about one of those topics would take time. And quite frankly, time isn’t something I have to give right now. I need hop on a plane in 30 minutes to party with my boys in Vegas. But I will leave you all with a little something to feed your appetite. Some people have a saying that they’re the guy behind the guy, behind the guy. I am the guy you tell your friends about. I’m the guy who you see in a club that you *have* to know. I’m the guy that will look you in the eye for that extra uncomfortable second and make you turn away because you’re in my aura. Welcome to my world. If you’re lucky, I’ll take a break in your rest stop on the interstate of badassness.

I am. I exist.

P.S.
If there are any special chicks out there that feel like they’re worthy of badassness, please give me a call. If your message catches my attention, I may even use it during a upcoming haul.
Here’s my number: +1 408 345-5473

Q&A with EliteBMW

Q: Alice Asked: Dear dudes, I know this question is kinda out there, but I’m kinda curious. Why is it okay or “natural” for guys to show or “parade around” their dick out there in the open for other guys to see? Y’know, like show off, or like when you’re changing? I mean, it’s not like us girls be goin’ around like you guys and showin’ off our Va-J-J the way a lot of guys do. I know a guy friend (who was at another guy friend’s house with other guys around) who weighed his dick and was braggin’ at school about his seven pounder…….Um, EEEWWW. Like really?!?!?! And whenever he talked about it, he got one of the guys who was there when it happened to back him up on his story. The other guys would just start laughing whenever he brought it up, and be like, “Ahahahaha! Yeah!”. So I would like to know, guys. Why? This was always a mystery to me…..

A: Alice, guys do stupid stuff ALL THE TIME. Throw booze in the mix and it’s a recipe for stupidity. There’s something in alcohol that makes guys lose about 20,000 years of evolution and sends them straight back into the cave. Back in my day, if my boys and I were at a party and we noticed that a girl left her camera out, we used to take the camera and take an anonymous “ball bouquet” picture. That’s where guys take their step-children out of their pant zipper and in a circle (without touching), a picture is taking with all the kids.

Just recently, I was at a friend’s beach house. We were in the poker room getting smashed and playing poker in the wee hours of the night. My boy Tyler got really trashed and left the room. About 20 minutes later as we’re all playing cards, we saw that Tyler had scaled the side of the beach house and was naked. He preceded to dry hump the window. I don’t know why, but there was something hilarious about that. Keep in mind that we’re all very wealthy guys and *everyone* was laughing their asses off. The thing that separates us versus the normal guy is that we don’t take pictures of the stupid shit we do. BTW, I always envisioned you girls sitting around a room drunk using your “Va-J-J” as a puppet and talking in a high voice making fun of each other, like “Hi, I’m Cindy! I like long walks on the beach and mai tai’s.”

Q: Patricia Longhorn –AKA BRAD LOL Asked: Dear Dudes,So ur with ur honey and yur making out wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the vioce is “wut r u doing wit my daughter?” U tell ur girl n she say “my dad is ded”. THEN WHO WAS PHONE? WHO WAS PHONE!?

A: Oh my God, my word processor just exploded! My spell check is broken and my computer will no longer work. What in the hell did you ask? I got the “honey” part. If you’re asking about what kind of sweetener I use, I prefer splenda. I’ve tried Agave Nectar because of the low glycemic index. As you know, I’m really into getting yoked and I don’t want the insulin spike, so I need to watch my diet. Anyway, when I tried Agave Nector, after 20 minutes I ended up on the floor in the fetal position in gas pains. It turns out that my stomach is really sensitive to Fructose. Sugar Alcohol does the same thing. A girl I once dated for a night made me breakfast in bed. Knowing my diet concerns, she used “sugar free” syrup on my pancakes, which as everyone knows means “sugar alcohol”. I ended up in the bathroom for an hour with gas. She wasn’t impressed with my musical talents and the relationship pretty much ended.

Q: Viv Asked at 5:00am!!!!: Dear dudes, what’s going on with your head? how come girls are soooo obsessed with you dudes but guys are not as obsessed of girls as us?
Loves (or no loves),

A: Whoa! Kick ass! You’re up at 5am? Were you out partying or just an early riser? To be honest, there’s not a whole lot that goes on in a dudes head. It’s pretty much empty. Depending on what the situation is like, at the *most* it can only consist of 3 thoughts. For instance, if I’m heading to a club, my thoughts are: What am I going to drink? Which watch am I going to wear? How many girls am I going to talk to? When the night ends, the sun is rising and I’m smashed, my thoughts are: Ah, Christ, why did I have so many drinks? Where the hell is my watch? A greasy burger sounds really good right about now.

When I talk to a girl one-on-one like at a restaurant my thoughts are generally: How much longer do I have to listen to her talk? I hope to God they remember to hold the sauce.. I don’t need the extra calories. Hey, that chick in the corner is pretty hot.

Q: Cheri Asked: Because as a woman, I couldn’t care less if my hubby didn’t play videogames, or enjoyed writing, or drew really well or something. I’m not interested in people who are carbon replicas of me. Honestly, I prefer someone *different*. Someone who keeps my interest and makes me wants to constantly learn more about him. It’s never boring with him, and the days of our lives are always an adventure. So while this seems perfectly logical to me?? I wonder. Is it logical to you? Or do you prefer the former??

A: Cheri, I’m glad you asked that question. I would prefer that a woman is completely different than me. That way, since a woman is completely different than me, it will give me an opportunity to continually talk about me and all the kickass stuff that I do. To be honest, I don’t really care about what the girl does or what her interests are as long she is able to hold a conversation and ask probing questions about me. I think you’re the perfect girl. Any girl that wants to learn more about a guy is top notch in my book. And since I’m always up to doing awesome things, we’ll have plenty to talk about.

Q: Gemma Asked: Dear dudes, What do guys talk about when they’re together. (I’ve asked my guy friends this a couple times, but I’m not sure how accurate their answers were since they’re strange people). Do you guys talk about deep topics/gossip/talk about girls and stuff, or do you follow the all sports/videogames/super manly stereotype?

A: Gemma, when us guys get together, we talk about life and the pursuit of happiness and how our love life is doing. We asked about how each other’s days have been and the difficulties of making it in this world. We also talk about what we look for in women and the difficulties of finding women that are interested in us and not our bodies. HA! Yeah, right! I hate to break it to you, but we don’t talk about any of that crap. We only talk about the important stuff like who’s going to win between Jon “Bones” Jones and Vladimir Matyushenko in the next UFC fight, who has the most money in their diversified investment portfolio, and test results.

I noticed that the rest of the Haulblog guys only did 5 questions. I’m a man of action and never do anything 100%. I’m all about doing things at 120% So, here’s a bonus questions answered:

Q: Nora Asked: Dear Dudes… where do you like a girl’s hands while making out? short of groping…

A: Hmm… At the point of making out and short of groping? Probably out of the handcuffs and around my waist pulling me close to you to signal that you’re not repulsed and that you’re not going to run out the door. Not reaching for my wallet would be an extra bonus.

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