After four months of a wonderful relationship gone horribly awry, I’m back where I started: Single.
Of course I’m laughing at myself.
“Really, Sherilynn?” My inner hater laughs. “Again?”
But it’s not so bad.
As I open up more about the things I’m doing (expressing myself through music, singing dumb little ditties about boys I meet in bars, trying new things, etc), more people open up to me. Being yourself forms new bridges of understanding between the world and you.
For example, only now, after revealing my vulnerabilities, have I realized that this phenomenon (phenomena?) of breaking up and meeting new people is not so much a phenomenon (there’s that word again), but rather, an unspoken way of living that a majority of the world’s population happens to trudge through. … Not that I have any actual statistics on hand, but a larger percentage of my immediate conversations center on this topic, and one can only surmise, yes?
Being single is kind of amazing.
I’ve always wanted to be single. I’ve just never had the opportunity before. I don’t think I’ve gone 6 months without a boyfriend. … Make that three.
This makes me realize I need to grab life by the balls while I’m still single and do everything I’ve ever wanted to do as soon as possible. I’m a grown woman. I’m 27 years old. I’m in my late twenties, for Christ’s sake. I should be enjoying myself!
So, knowing me, and knowing I’m statistically likely to fall hopelessly in love with some new and charming stranger soon (save me!), I’m doing everything I’ve ever wanted to do right now.
What I’m currently doing with my life:
Playing my ukulele every day, riding my motorcycle everywhere, very purposely kicking ass at work and relishing the “pats on the head” for a job well done, enjoying napping, breathing through yoga, stretching a lot, just talking to people, opening myself up to the world, embracing the pieces of me that I like and have always liked, loving myself, loving the people I am lucky to have in my life, writing more (digitally and in a diary/journal), drawing more (people ask me to draw for them sometimes, so I do these little 5 minute doodles, and their reactions are always really sweet), enjoying making the people around me smile, enjoying making people laugh, enjoying pushing myself by joining conversations and situations that make me uncomfortable, collaborating, and just loving life.
And that’s just to begin 2015.
Tonight, I realized that for the first time in my life, I’m single. Really single. And if this is what I’ve been able to accomplish in such a short period of time, can you imagine what else is out there waiting for me?
I’m so excited to get started!
So excited that I wrote a song about it for my ukulele and recorded myself singing it.
MOVING ON TO ME
I’m gonna’ be alright.
That’s what I told ‘em.
It doesn’t matter what they say.
You don’t have to worry.
Because I’m so strong, and I’m working on mmm-me.
And once upon a time,
I was so weak I needed you by my side.
But that story’s gotta’ change,
And so I’m cruisin’, yeah, I’m movin’ on to me.
Cuz I feel high
Taking the world by storm, got that look in my eyes, like
I feel great
Stealing the show, gotta’ go. I don’t wanna’ be late.
Sights to see, places to be–
There’s always somewhere for me
New horizons, open roads–
I’ll probably even move to a new zip code!
It’s so excitin’.
I’m getting ready
To be me.
This morning when I woke up,
I put my clothes on, skipped the makeup, sprayed perfume.
Stepped outside, the sun was shining (baby).
The birds were singin’, and the roses were in bloom.
I said “hey there” to a stranger.
He said I heard you singing love songs, humming tunes.
I invited him to listen.
I sang so sweetly, kinda flirty, made him swoon.
La, la-la-lah, la-la-lah, la-la-laaa
Doot, do-do-doot, do-do-doot-do-doo-dooot
I’m so excited
I’m gettin’ ready
To be me.
After playing and singing my song about a million times and in a million different ways, the lyrics have become a kind of mantra for me. I feel like because of this song, every decision I make lately is filled with excitement, and every hello to a stranger is a possibility waiting to happen. I live like I’ve got somewhere to go. I’m happy. I’m not being afraid to say what I want to say or do what I want to do.
How is it that I’ve never lived like this before?!
And are there still people out there who have never tried this? Because they are missing out.
Being single is like living in a whole new world.
Suddenly, everything is an option.
Mumble: It’s a little overwhelming actually. I don’t really know what to do with myself with this many new choices, hahaha.
I mean, I could literally do anything I set my mind to, and I’ve already proved that to myself about a million times over. My life has been incredible. Really. It has.
… What should I do NEXT?!
You know how sometimes you look back at your life and reflect on your personal history like you’re critiquing a bottle of wine? “Oh, 24, yes, that was a good year.” Or, “My early twenties were shit.” Etc?
In year 27 of my life, I’ve embraced the feeling of being fearless. Fearless in my decisions, fearless in embracing who I am, and fearless in my acceptance of others.
It has been amazing.
Learning and Moving On
I am so grateful for my last relationship because it was filled with so many wonderful memories. In many ways, it helped me heal from the abuse I took from my previous relationships, taught me how to let someone in again, and I discovered what it was like to work very hard for someone out of love. I was grateful for it while it lasted because it gave me much-needed experience. The fact that it ended in a really awful way doesn’t take away from the fact that I cared about the person I was with while I was with him, and knowing this, embracing it, kind of blows my mind.
When I think about expending energy on being angry at someone or hurt by someone, it leaves this sour taste in my mouth. I have better things to do. Sights to see. Places to be. Like the song I wrote! I’ve got shit to do, people! Out of my way!
I’ve also learned that I’m not interested in badmouthing ex-boyfriends, and that it’s a useless exercise for me. What’s the point? What happened between us was between us, and it’s mine to learn and grow from, no one else’s. … Which makes it all the more baffling now when I discover that someone has been badmouthing meee, but then, I’m not responsible for anyone’s actions but my own. So I’m okay with that, too.
Choosing To Be Happy
As I grow older, have amazing experiences, and hungrily chase after more, I realize more powerfully that all of my feelings and experiences are based on choices I make. Regardless of the circumstance, I hold the reins to my life, not anyone else.
So, I’m choosing very purposely how I want my life to go.
I choose to enjoy being single.
I choose to enjoy the unique things that make me, me.
I choose to hurl myself with excitement into new experiences.
I choose to look forward to being uncomfortable and pushing my limits.
I choose to be fearless.
And I choose to be proud of my accomplishments.
Damn, I feel good.
~ Sherilynn “Cheri” Macale
PS. Some parting wisdom from a friend just recently out of a relationship as well and with much more experience than myself: “Every decision you make from now on should either be ‘Fuck Yeah’ or ‘Not At All’. Imagine your life as a movie, and always make decisions based on whether it’s in the script.”
I’m down for that.