Last night, my hot lesbian professor with a really sweet pixie haircut invited me into her room to watch porn with her, but I didn’t know she was a lesbian. I just thought she was some really laid-back chick who thought it would be “funny” to watch pornography together (cuz y’know, that’s what cool chicks do or something). Then she leans over and starts making out with me, and I’m stunned at the suddenness of it, and I’m like, “Oh my god, is she a lesbian?!” She pulls away, giving me a questioning look, and reflexively I start to lean in to kiss her again, only to realize that I don’t actually want to kiss her, so I stop and say, “Actually, I’m not dating for a year,” leaving her totally chastened. But mostly, I said that because I just didn’t feel a connection with the chick, and my single-for-a-year thing works as a great excuse at that moment.
When I exit the room, wondering if I’m gay, I’m suddenly working at a Best Buy, only it looks like Costco? And only some of the employees are wearing the blue Best Buy uniforms. I want one. So I complain: “Don’t I get a uniform too?!” And they send me and my gay friend, Josh, to the rear of the store to pick up our uniforms. Only, they aren’t uniforms. They’re hot, slutty Halloween costumes hanging on a rack. And I’m like, “Oh my god, Josh! I have to wear this schoolgirl uniform!” And I grab it from the rack and wave it at him. And he’s like, “Only if I can wear this hot pink fur vest thing!” He snatches it up and shows it to me. And I’m like, “That looks great,” and he’s like, “It has way too much material though. I want something more form-fitting.” And I’m like, “Totally. You don’t want to look like Adam.” And he’s all, “Oh my god, Adam thinks he looks hot in his baggy suit. Can you believe it? Bitch needs to get a tailor.” And then we laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
My sister is there, and she’s telling me I should totally keep that schoolgirl uniform outfit. And then she’s like, “Listen, Sherilynn,” because only my family uses my full first name to address me, “You smell really bad.” And I’m like, “What?!” We’re in the ladies’ restroom suddenly, and she’s like, “Yeah. You totally smell like you’re on your period.” And I’m like, “Why did no one tell me?” And I’m using the Best Buy restroom frantically trying to clean myself off or something, taking some kind of ho-bath with toilet paper in one of the stalls, wondering if this is why my crush at the store has been completely avoiding me all day, thinking oh god, I must smell really bad, but I can’t tell because I’m used to my own stench. Except those little cracks framing the bathroom stall doors are really big for some reason, and I can see everyone through them and everyone can see me, and it’s so goddamn embarrassing, and this restroom sucks and I wish I was at home and why haven’t I taken a shower in four days?!
And then I wake up coughing and hacking because either my throat is really, really dry, or a spider has crawled into my mouth and choked me while I was sleeping. And I sit up thinking, “Did I just swallow a bug?!”
I really. Really hope I didn’t just eat a fucking spider, guys.
PS. I’m pretty sure I know exactly why I’m having dreams about hot lesbian teachers taking advantage of me, and gay guys dressed in fur making fun of one another, and blue uniforms from Best Buy. But still. My dreams have been super vivid. What gives?! Please tell me I’m not the only one having nutty dreams this month.